Discussion in 'Lounge' started by colnago, Oct 11, 2019.
I said, Engrish...
The Old Dirt Biker
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a Dirtbiker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, wildest mountains I can find at the crack of dawn."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old biker said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old biker said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive... he's a dirtbiker too."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old biker said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old biker replied, "He's 117 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went riding with you this Sunday too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"
To this the old biker smiled and answered,
"Who said he wanted to?"
In the great days of theBritish Empire a new commanding officer was sent to a remote African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies of gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc., decreed by protocol, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this entire post. His talent and energy is simply boundless."
Captain Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new Commanding Officer who was surprised to meet a hunchbacked, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events andwon a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics.
I have researched the history of....."
At which point the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor you thought his witchcraft was a bunch of B.S."
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies,“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
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