Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by colnago, Oct 11, 2019.

  1. plumcolr

    plumcolr In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

    Messages:
    1,854
    Location:
    Freehold NJ
    Black ice is a LOT worse than snow. Walked out my front door this morning and ended up with a sore butt.
     
  2. Hillbilly

    Hillbilly In Maximum Overdrive

    Messages:
    6,505
    Location:
    Winchester, TN.
    The reality is that nearly anyone can drive on snow successfully if they exercise a bit of common sense. What trips up drivers in the South is nearly every snow is proceeded by a freezing rain. No tire currently legal in America can get traction on ice. Add in drivers who ignore road conditions or can't read the road because they don't see dangerous situations often enough to recognize trouble, well, then you get what happened in Texas.
     
  3. handy_andy_cv64

    handy_andy_cv64 In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

    Messages:
    14,016
    Location:
    New Braunfels, TX
    Agreed. And because we got freezing rain earlier, and it's supposed to snow tonight, none of us are going anywhere for at least two days beyond today.
     
    Lincolnut likes this.
  4. Hillbilly

    Hillbilly In Maximum Overdrive

    Messages:
    6,505
    Location:
    Winchester, TN.
    Yup ! I am quite content to wait it out right here at the homestead.
     
    handy_andy_cv64 and Lincolnut like this.
  5. handy_andy_cv64

    handy_andy_cv64 In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

    Messages:
    14,016
    Location:
    New Braunfels, TX
    I went outside this morning. Inch and a half of powdery snow on top of ice, 10°F, very brisk, took a couple of neighborhood pics for prosperity, and went back in to brekky and a hot cup of tea.
     
  6. Clark

    Clark In Maximum Overdrive

    Messages:
    2,986
    Location:
    Brighton, Colorado
    Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'

    Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

    One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

    To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

    The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

    Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

    When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

    Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
     
    1965 Ranchero 66G and plumcolr like this.
  7. handy_andy_cv64

    handy_andy_cv64 In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

    Messages:
    14,016
    Location:
    New Braunfels, TX
    Morris: :D
    Esther::eek:
     
  8. Clark

    Clark In Maximum Overdrive

    Messages:
    2,986
    Location:
    Brighton, Colorado
    Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

    Man: A guy just got hit by a car. He’ll need an ambulance.

    Operator: What’s your location?

    Man: I’m on Eucalyptus street.

    Operator: Can you spell that for me?

    Man: (long awkward pause)

    Operator: Sir? Are you still there?

    Man: I’m gonna drag him over to Pine street and call you right back.
     
  9. RANCHEROROB

    RANCHEROROB In Maximum Overdrive GOLD MEMBER

    Messages:
    3,768
    Location:
    Pueblo de Los Angeles, Aztlan
    Doctor; Sir You have.....

    Patient; (a trannie) Doctor, I am a Lady, please don't call me sir

    Doctor; Okay Lady, you have an enlarged prostate.
     
  10. plumcolr

    plumcolr In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

    Messages:
    1,854
    Location:
    Freehold NJ


    A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.


    There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

    "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

    Is something bothering you?"

    "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

    "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

    The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

    Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

    "1955, ma'am."

    "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

    The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
     
  11. Clark

    Clark In Maximum Overdrive

    Messages:
    2,986
    Location:
    Brighton, Colorado
    Why do ducks have flat feet?

    To stomp out forest fires.

    Why do elephants have flat feet?

    To stomp out burning ducks!
     
  12. handy_andy_cv64

    handy_andy_cv64 In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

    Messages:
    14,016
    Location:
    New Braunfels, TX
    How do you get down off an elephant?

    You don't. You get down off a duck.
     
  13. 65restomod

    65restomod In Overdrive BRONZE MEMBER

    Messages:
    850
    Location:
    Danville,VT left NJ forever
    ^^^ Duck and Roll
     
  14. handy_andy_cv64

    handy_andy_cv64 In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

    Messages:
    14,016
    Location:
    New Braunfels, TX
    That's 'Duck and Cover,' unless you do your car upholstery differently....
     
  15. plumcolr

    plumcolr In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

    Messages:
    1,854
    Location:
    Freehold NJ
    Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
    She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
    The defense attorney nearly died.
    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
    'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!!
     
  16. plumcolr

    plumcolr In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

    Messages:
    1,854
    Location:
    Freehold NJ
    Shamelessly stolen from Ace of Spades:



    My buddy met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.


    We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
    As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

    We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in.

    She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?
    .
     
  17. handy_andy_cv64

    handy_andy_cv64 In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

    Messages:
    14,016
    Location:
    New Braunfels, TX
    This'll make y'all ROFLMAO:

    I turned 56 yesterday....
     
  18. Hillbilly

    Hillbilly In Maximum Overdrive

    Messages:
    6,505
    Location:
    Winchester, TN.
    Not laughing. I would love to get to go back to your age. Congrats ! Hope ya get many more of those years brother.
     
    plumcolr likes this.
  19. plumcolr

    plumcolr In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

    Messages:
    1,854
    Location:
    Freehold NJ
    Hell, yeah! a 60 would be cradle-robbing to me. Wish he had described the mom.
     
  20. plumcolr

    plumcolr In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

    Messages:
    1,854
    Location:
    Freehold NJ
    .

    Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says. “We only have one rule here in heaven, don’t step on the ducks!”
    So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
    Well, along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says. “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
    The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
    The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. And then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on – Very tall, long eyelashes. and muscular.
    St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
    The happy woman says. “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
    The guy says. “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

    .
     
    ForistellFord likes this.

Share This Page