One Liners

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by ForistellFord, Apr 18, 2019.

  1. ForistellFord

    ForistellFord In Maximum Overdrive GOLD MEMBER

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    20 Best One-Liner Jokes.

    1. I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

    2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

    3. I, for one, like Roman numerals.

    4. I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

    5. People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

    6. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

    7. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

    8. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

    9. I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

    10. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything.”

    11. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

    12. My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

    13. I’ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it.

    14. I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

    15. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

    16. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

    17. People say I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.

    18. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

    19. Whiteboards are remarkable.

    20. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
     
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  2. TestDummy

    TestDummy In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

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    #14 reminded me of the 'Slow Children' signs around the neighborhood I grew up in. I always thought they were warning drivers of Mark, the 'slow' kid who lived up the road, and thought it wasn't very nice to put a sign.
     
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  3. colnago

    colnago In Maximum Overdrive

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    These are the BEST one-liners? Ouch! I'd hate to see the worst! ;)

    Joseph
     
  4. ForistellFord

    ForistellFord In Maximum Overdrive GOLD MEMBER

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    There's one now!
     
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  5. TestDummy

    TestDummy In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

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    He has a different idea of what Best is.
     
  6. 72GTVA

    72GTVA Administrator Staff Member

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    He probably has an appreciation that one liners contain a subtle nuance that most will find funny, such as:

    "ForistellFord sets the standard by which all others excel!"
     
  7. 1965 Ranchero 66G

    1965 Ranchero 66G In Maximum Overdrive Unubtanium Member

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    I think we need ribald, he was always funny.
     
  8. colnago

    colnago In Maximum Overdrive

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    Stir the pot, why don't you? Too quiet around here for you?

    Joseph
     
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  9. 1965 Ranchero 66G

    1965 Ranchero 66G In Maximum Overdrive Unubtanium Member

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    It was just a one liner, no sense of humor in here.
     
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  10. TestDummy

    TestDummy In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

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    We got the new and improved and all-of-a-sudden funny 72GTVA. We don't need that other guy.
     
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  11. 1965 Ranchero 66G

    1965 Ranchero 66G In Maximum Overdrive Unubtanium Member

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    There needs to be a balance, even if its twisted. Or factual.
     
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  12. handy_andy_cv64

    handy_andy_cv64 In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

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    From Henny Youngman: 21) I went hunting once, drove around a curve and saw a sign, 'BEAR LEFT.' Disappointed, I went back home.

    From Rodney Dangerfield, who never got no respect: 22) When I was a kid, my parents were abusive. One year for Christmas, they got me mental blocks.

    23) even the cops don't respect me; the other day, I was leaning out my kitchen window, a cop gave me a ticket for mooning.
     
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  13. TestDummy

    TestDummy In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

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    21 makes no sense. When have you seen a sign saying bear left, bear right, etc. 22 is, meh. 23 is pretty funny.
     
  14. handy_andy_cv64

    handy_andy_cv64 In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

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    It makes no sense because you missed the point of the joke--that he was going bear hunting. And the next one was a huge joke for Dangerfield on the Tonight Show, as Johnny and the entire audience we're roaring with laughter
     
  15. ForistellFord

    ForistellFord In Maximum Overdrive GOLD MEMBER

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    What's a mental block anyway? I can't think right now.
     
  16. TestDummy

    TestDummy In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

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    No, I saw that. What if he was going duck hunting, and as he drove around the corner he saw a sign that said DUCK AHEAD. Would the punchline be, "I broke my teeth on the steering wheel!!!! I tell ya, I get no respect. Take my wife.....please!!!"
     
  17. 1965 Ranchero 66G

    1965 Ranchero 66G In Maximum Overdrive Unubtanium Member

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    Now that was good.
     
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  18. colnago

    colnago In Maximum Overdrive

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    A bottlecap still on the bottle. Take it off, pour a glass (no, that's not full enough; pour a tad bit more), enjoy it ... and if you're lucky, then they're ALL funny.

    Joseph
     
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  19. TestDummy

    TestDummy In Maximum Overdrive SILVER MEMBER

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    I'm here all week. Try the veal.
     
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  20. ForistellFord

    ForistellFord In Maximum Overdrive GOLD MEMBER

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