THE GREAT GAMBLER The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.""I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it" says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous."Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands."Are you okay?" the auditor asks."Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
Wife 1.0 Dear Tech Support: > > Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed > that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a > lot of space and valuable resources. > In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now > monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night > 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6. > > I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to > run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to > Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please > help! > > Thanks, > Troubled User..... > > _____________________________________ > REPLY: > Dear Troubled User: > This is a very common problem that men complain about. > > Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it > is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an > OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! > It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend > 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from > the system once installed. > > You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to > not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under > Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 > and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the > background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. > > The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE! because > ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the > system will return to normal anyway. > > Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance > . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and > Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 . > > However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will > cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this > happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to > purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 > ! > > WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With > Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and > will cause irreversible damage to the operating system! > > Best of luck, > > Tech Support __________________
