Speaking of lobster; There was a female lobster that wanted a boob job and went on a crime spree to procure the money for her augmentation surgery. After two weeks of knocking over convenience stores and quick marts she had the funds, and had the surgery. The police dragnet was closing in however and she went on the lamb and took refuge in an old rundown bus terminal. As police zeroed in on the lobsters location the call went out over the radio: "The busty crustacean is at the crusty bus station, repeat; the busty crustacean is at the crusty bus station."
Biker John and his ol lady were celebrating 50 years together. Their 3 kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday Dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," Gushed Little Johnny. "Sorry I'm running late, had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present." Not to worry," said Biker John. "The important thing is that we're all here together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry." It's nothing," said Biker John. "Glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and was really busy packing, so didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again Biker John said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, Biker John put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.' The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're Bastards." Yep, said Biker John. "And cheap ones too
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many, many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So, here I am. You guys want a beer?
A blonde walks into a hair salon, wearing a set of headphones. After she sits down, the hairdresser requests that she remove her headphones so that her hair can be washed before cutting. The blonde refuses and continues to listen to her headphones. Upon being asked to remove the headphones a second time, the blonde replies that if she removed the headphones, she would die. The hairdresser pleaded with the blonde that she did not face death by removing the headphones. After 20 minutes of back and forth, the hairdresser finally convinced the blonde to remove her headphones and lean back so her hair could be washed. A couple of minutes later, the hairdresser noticed that the blonde was not breathing and was unconscious. After attempting CPR, paramedics were summoned. They worked on her for several minutes, but to no avail. When the police arrived, they asked the hairdresser what had happened. The hairdresser explained all the details, including the part where the blonde refused several times to remove the headphones. The police officer picked up the headphones to see what was playing on the headphones: BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT. BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT.
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located. He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look. One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?" The Director asks in turn arrogantly: "Why are you so interested in that - that topic?" "I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market." "What your name? –"Asks the Director. "John Smith." The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department: "Do we have a client named John Smith?" "Certainly –"answers the Customer Service Manager–, "he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account." The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says: "Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you." At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members: "We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him." Mr. Smith began his story: "I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a hooker in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars."
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?" The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, with a gun in her hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled mightily and managed to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration : "HECK! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
Even just black ice is disastrous. That 100-car collision in Ft. Worth was on an overpass, for which there are a lot in the municipal areas. If the road looks wet, especially on any overpass, assume it's black ice and leave your foot off the pedals, let your speed drop on its own, and if you begin to skid, only steer into the skid, and *DO NOT* touch your pedals!
